I cannot find my penis.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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