you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
