You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
