yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
