My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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