How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
