Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
