remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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