I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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