Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
