I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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