my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
