I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
