Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
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I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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