boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
