Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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