I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
