i just wanna soil my oats bro
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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