He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
