I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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