Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
