Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
