if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
