I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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