I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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