Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
