Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
