My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
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oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
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Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.