If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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