who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
