Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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