just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
