is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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