i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
