I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
