Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
