my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
