Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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