Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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