Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
