you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
