I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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