when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
