she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
