I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
