if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
