I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
