So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
