My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
