Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
