I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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