ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
