"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
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I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
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When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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