why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
