I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Less talking, more tequila
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
